Cookin’ with Cargo Cult: Fried Apple Entrails Recipe

Obligatory Warning: This is the first experimental recipe I’ve used from our beer. I figured if its good enough to drink, its good enough to cook with. Unlike most warnings, do try this at home, as  you may be ostracized for doing this recipe in public. Also there is some foul and inappropriate language used here.  Read at your own risk.

See this unholy mess? You will be cooking this today.


Fried Apple Entrails

A little about this recipe… We bought a one of the rotational apple peely devices, the kind that looks like a rotissary. Well, my wife threatened to chuck it out because we never use, so I decided to make repulsive apple fritters. The working title was ‘The Applecopaliptz on the Fritz’ but in the end Fried Apple Entrails was more aptly suited name.

Prerequisite: An rotating apple peeling device. Remember that gift that Auntie Maggie so thoughtfully gave you after her trip to the USA 11 years ago? You know that one that you used one once to make your Auntie happy? Dig that bad boy out from storage, give a good sterilisation because we are going to put it to use:

Here’s that rotissary apple peeler. It will skin and core your apples like a champ!

Here’s whatcha need for this recipe:

  • Flour:  2 Cups / 250 grams
  • 2 Cans of Cargo Cult
  • 3 Eggs (separate yolk from white stuff)
  • Pinch o’ salt
  • 4 NZ Rose Apples
  • 250 Grams of Unsalted butter (keep more at hand if needed)
  • 2.5 tablespoons of brown/raw sugar
  • 1 table spoon of powder sugar
  • 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
  • 1 deep frying pan
  • 1 Apple peeler thinga-ma-jig
  • Background music of choice. I suggest 80’s hairspray metal, you’ll burn off more calories while singing in a high pitched voice.

Step 1: Crank up the music. If you aren’t singing and looking absolutely ridiculous, you are not doing this right.

Step 2: Mix flour, 1 cup of Cargo Cult (drink the rest to loosen the vocal cords), egg yolks, and a pinch of salt together. Once nicely blend, let rest for 15 minutes.

Step 3: Whisk the egg whites until they white and frothy. I suggest using a blending device.

Step 4: After 15 minutes, dump the white fluffy egg whites into the rest of the batter.

Step 5: Time to peel those apples. Carve up and core 4 apples. Keep the curled skins; that’s an integral part of this this recipe, and from this point forward shall be dubbed ‘the entrails’.  The apples will all be carved in to curled slices.  Cut the apples into 3 slices (there should be about 3 ‘rings’ per slice). Keep your entrails on a separate plate.

A work in progress.

Step 6: Carve 250 grams from your unsalted butter. Chuck that into a deep frying pan, and crank up the heat until its melted.

Step 7: Dunk those apple slices in the beer battered goodness. Chuck them in that frying pan and listen to the wholesome sizzle of apple passing into the next life. Once one side has died a death of golden brown, flip it over and kill the other side too. Once finished, place it on some paper towels to absorb some of that rich buttery goodness. Repeat until all slices are finished. Place in oven at low temp to keep warm.

Step 8. Place the entrails in the beer batter, yeah that’s the ticket! Coat those bad boys! Place them in the frying pan and cook those entrails until they reach the pinnacle of golden brown. Remember these are fucking entrails, so don’t give two shits about messy.  Just go ahead and splatter that shit around. If your significant other looks at you oddly, just shoot them a cross look and tell him/her that you are cooking the guts of your mortal enemy. They’ll get the picture. Blot the guts out on a paper towel.

Go ahead. Get messy. This is your moment to shine.

Step 9: Now its time to put all that shit together. Mix 2 and half tables spoons of brown sugar and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon together. Sprinkle this on the deep fried cored apples. After that, place the entrails on top the the fried apples. You might have the rip apart the intestines a bit for even distribution

Step 10: Hey man, didn’t you remember this recipe called for 2 Cargo Cults? Well, crack that other ‘Cult open and drink it with your slain quarry. Why? – because you are a legend mate!

Final result. Remember the gift of good looks does not bestow itself on the deep fried. Background corpse wrapped in grey blanket optional.